I've Got Two (or more) Words for Ya...

Day Fifty-nine.

2010-12-01T22:04:00.005-05:00

Today was a good day, and not in an overt, obvious way.

I know it's a really overused cliché, but no one on this planet has a guarantee that they're gonna live to see tomorrow. Sometimes just waking up in the morning and knowing you get another 24 is enough to make it a great day. Yeah, I know I said "sometimes," and you're probably thinking to yourself, "That's a good reason to be happy every day!"

True though that may be, if we're honest with ourselves, we all know that as human beings, we're far too dense and self-involved to appreciate life's greatest perpetual "freebie" more than once in a blue moon. That said, the big ball o' cheese in the sky must've been a nice cerulean hue today, because I was totally feelin' the first day of December.

Class was decent, and I managed to squeeze in a couple laps in the pool before my counseling appointment, which, following the trend of the day, was as good as ever, albeit a tad short. It's nice to know that the changes that I'm noticing in myself aren't lost on everyone else.

I want to mention something that would've been the main topic of last night's entry if I had written it. I was browsing around Big Lots the other day (who doesn't love Big Lots?), and I was very pleased to hear them playing a steady rotation of Christmas tunes over the store's PA system (see "Christmas music!"). The classic "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on, and I was humming along as I perused ridiculously marked-down goodies, when all of a sudden I heard, "Make the yuletide.....From now on, our troubles will be miles awaayyyy..."

Seriously? Seriously?! Waka Flocka ~~Lame~~ Flame gets away with worse on the radio during your morning commute, and he's completely devoid of talent! I'ts a song from 19-fucking-44! Back when that song was written, "gay" wasn't even used in reference to a person's sexuality! I hope and pray that this is just something that was done to "respect" the South's, er...slightly-less-than-tolerant "sensibilities," but even if that's the case, it's still wrong. What good reason is there to bleep that word out of that line? It's not even a modern song! It's a timeless classic that was written specifically for a Christian holiday. Even if they snicker like 5-year-olds when they hear that line, any yokel knows that's not how they meant it. Furthermore, bleeping the last word in that line negates the rhyme scheme of the following line!

I really do hope that doesn't reflect the entire nation's attitude towards this subject, even if the narrow-minded residents of this region never get it. All this news of bullying and suicide (when they center an episode of Glee around it, it must be serious) doesn't sit well with me at all. I know what it feels like to be made fun of for something you just are. Getting along in this world is difficult enough for "normal" people I'm sure, so when there's something a little different about you, you'd be surprised how quickly that difference grows from an aberration into an albatross.

Everyone should be able to go through life without unnecessary difficulties being heaped upon them on top of the ones that life already gives us by default. On Jay-Z's stellar debut album "Reasonable Doubt," he had a track entitled "Can I Live?" That's all anyone wants. I know that after reading that, some of you might be wondering what my "official" stance on homosexuality is. Well, I'll give it to you quick and easy:

Do I think it's wrong?
Well, in that question, "wrong" is a loaded word if ever there was one. As someone who respects science as the supreme governing force in the universe second only to God Almighty, I employ a scientific point of view as my magnifying glass whenever it's appropriate. That said, I do feel that biologically, it's very strange for us as mammals to be able to somehow override our biological imperative to be attracted to, and reproduce with, members of the opposite sex. Does that make homosexuality wrong? Not at all. Do I think that makes it unusual? Hell yes. Very weird. One might even call it queer, don't you think? The best part is, the majority of the gay community embraces that uniqueness and uses it as a source of strength and creativity.

More specifically, do I think it's morally incorrect?
It's no more wrong to be gay than it is for me to walk the way I do, or for my lovely lady to have wonderfully curly hair. If something is an integral part of who you are as a person, then it cannot be wrong. Oh, were you thinking I just casually mentioned God earlier and I wasn't gonna touch that one? Neither I nor anyone else on the planet can speak for God, so I suppose it's possible that being gay scores you a one-way ticket to Hell. However, I seriously doubt that the Creator of the Universe, who loves us all unconditionally, is that petty. Furthermore, it's ridiculous to think He'd take offense to an innate quality in someone, when He himself draws up the blueprints for each and every one of us!

So in short, no, I don't think being gay is wrong. I think there needs to be a MLK-esque figure for this minority, to inspire and edify just like Dr. King did. Yeah, I just drew a comparison between gayness and the Civil Rights Movement. Wanna fight about it? Just think about it. A minority group of people who have long been regarded as being "less-than" in every way. Ostracized and downtrodden because they're not like everyone else, or more correctly, not what everyone else thinks they should be. The parallels are all there, and I'm sure I'm not the first person to point them out. Just sayin'.

Ok, I'm done for now. I promise. It's just that the idea of anyone being made to feel shitty for being who they are makes my blood boil. Maybe I can voice that because I'm finally in a good place with myself. Whatever the reason, I want every duck to be able to swim in the pond in peace. The ones with the pink-frosted feathers or the bum leg may fall into a hunter's crosshairs more easily, but that doesn't mean they can't quack, loud and proud! I leave you with this, dear readers:

Irvin Kershner.

2010-11-29T23:48:00.006-05:00

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."

On Saturday, Hollywood, and the whole of geekdom for that matter, lost an icon. Irvin Kershner, best-known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, the Grammy, Golden Globe and Oscar-winning sequel to Star Wars, died at the age of 87, following a three-year battle with lung cancer.

Star Wars creator George Lucas had this to say:
"The world has lost a great director and one of the most genuine people I've had the pleasure of knowing. Irvin Kershner was a true gentleman in every sense of the word. I knew him from USC - I attended his lectures and he was on the festival panel that gave the prize to my THX* short. I considered him a mentor."

It is generally agreed upon by geeks and casual fans alike, that The Empire Strikes Back is the best of the six Star Wars films. A huge part of that, in my opinion, was Irvin Kershner's direction. Remember kiddies, this was back before CGI, so Yoda was a Muppet, controlled by hand. In the scenes depicting Luke Skywalker's training on Dagobah, Mark Hamill's strengths shine through, as his timing, facial expressions, and delivery really make you believe that he's interacting with someone, and not just an inanimate puppet with someone's hand inside.

Not only is Empire the best of the Star Wars movies, but it is my personal favorite film of all time. It's become a euphemism for movie sequels that far surpass their predecessors (ie: "Deathly Hallows is the Empire Strikes Back of the Harry Potter flicks, man!"). I'm sure this wouldn't be the case had Irvin Kershner not been at the helm. Rest in peace.

*Editor's note: George Lucas' first foray into filmmaking, back when he was still a student, for those less geeky than yours truly.

Christmas music!

2010-11-29T23:37:00.003-05:00

I promised you guys two entries last night, so here's the second one.*

This time of the year is probably my favorite, and that's due in large part to the entertainment that abounds during the holiday season (It's a Wonderful Life, anyone?), particularly the music. Now, I know I use my fair share of profanity, and I'm certainly no saint, but I hope it's not too surprising to anyone that I back Team Jesus as my religion of choice. That said, as soon as the last bit of Thanksgiving turkey is in my belly and my fork hits the plate, they start to play in my head. "Who is 'they'," you ask? Why, the carols, of course!

As much as I adore Santa and his fleet of enchanted Bambis, Charlie Brown, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and strange reanimated anthropomorphic snow people, nothing quite hits me like the classics (and by classics, I mean not of this century); "Silent Night," "Away in a Manger," "O Holy Night," and "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" are just a few of the ones that spring to mind. Truthfully, I like 'em all.

Now, I totally get that Jesus' birthday was likely in the spring, as it's highly improbable that a baby was born in Israel, in the dead of winter, outdoors, and survived to grow up big and strong to save the world.* All the same, there's something about cozying up to a crackling fire and hearing your favorite crooners lay those sweet yuletide notes on you. I thought my readers might appreciate knowing what I've got in my iPhone's freshly-minted "Christmas" playlist, so here goes, and of course, the list is subject to change, which would almost certainly just be additions.

1. The "Merry Christmas" album by Mariah Carey "That whore!"*

2. "Merry Christmas II You," the follow-up album to "Merry Christmas," also by Mariah Carey. "She looks like a transvestite in the face!"*

3. "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole, arguably the greatest holiday album ever.

4. "Elvis' Christmas Album," by Elvis Presley, if for no other reason than to hear his very Elvis-esque pronunciations of your favorite holiday lyrics, LOL!

5. "Star Bright," which, as far as I'm concerned, is Vanessa Williams' only Christmas album worth listening to.

6. "Harry for the Holidays," by Harry Connick, Jr.

Lastly, there are various singles, without which any "Christmas" playlist would find itself in ill repute:

"This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway

"Silent Night" by The Temptations

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms

"The Night that Christ was Born" by Kirk Franklin and the Family

"Little St. Nick" by the Beach Boys

"Sleigh Ride" by Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops

"Silver Bells" by Johnny Mathis

"It Wouldn't be Christmas" by Jaci Velasquez

*Editor's note: It looks as if there's going to be a third entry tonight, though it saddens me to have to write it.

*Editor's note: Though, now that I think of it, Jesus was a super-powered baby, so why not?

*Editor's note: I added these exclamations after mentioning Mariah's albums to save Mel the extra effort of muttering them out loud. Oh, the things I do for her! :-P

Day Fifty-seven.

2010-11-29T23:30:00.007-05:00

"Chuck Norris? Is that you?"

Why yes, yes it is (minus the beard, and the general badassery)!

Today was a long day. As long as it was, though, I can say I feel a genuine sense of accomplishment at the end of it. I woke up at my usual 8ish time this morning, but with a skull-splitter of a headache. I went back to sleep for an hour or so, and then realized that because of my recent military ID debacle (see "Day Fifty-four"), I was in health insurance limbo, and couldn't just take my pounding head to the nearest E.R. or urgent care center. Spurred on by my only option, I trudged out to Skeletor (my Accord, for those of you not in the know) and headed to NCSU's Student Health Center.

What I got was the same ol' song-and-dance of "Here's some Motrin," and "Let's take your temperature," but with the added twist of "Have you been eating a balanced diet lately?"

I was told that it may very well have been a Vitamin D deficiency, after I informed the nurse that I had also been achy. Yeah, you thought right. A Vitamin D deficiency, aka "rickets," that shit that pirates used to develop way back in the day along with scurvy. This is because pillaging and plundering presumably left little time for a proper diet; that, and rum, delicious though it may be, isn't exactly packed with nutrients. Historically-themed jokes aside, she said that it's more common than people think, especially in the winter months, when good ol' Mr. Sun seems less eager to show his face.

Armed with this (slightly amusing) information, I did the only thing I could think of and went home and chugged some moo juice. Surprisingly (or not, as they are medical professionals after all), it did the trick! An hour or two later, I felt good as new! However, that was only the start of my day...

After replenishing my body's Vitamin D silos, I called the Dept. of Defense, and made sure that they faxed the necessary paperwork over to Ft. Bragg before I even left to make the drive to the 'Ville. With the fax confirmed, I headed down to the base, seemingly beset by more than the usual number of red lights, fender benders, and grannies-in-Buicks along the way. I finally got there, and still had to wait over 2 hrs to get my ID card! The good thing is that I did get it, and more importantly, I made all the necessary phonecalls and inquiries myself. That may not seem like such a big deal to some of you, but I assure you dear readers, for me, it is (those of you with whom I'm personally acquainted know this to be the case).

I took care of something that was pretty important, and nobody had to hold my hand or walk me through it. I did it because it needed to get done, and it needed to get done by me. That's a pretty good feeling, and as I do it more and more, it feels just as good, and less foreign.

Well, with my shiny gold star sticker affixed to my chest ("I did something all by myself!"), I'm headed to that dreamy place where girlfriends don't despise Mariah Carey, the Star Wars trilogy was released on Blu-Ray yesterday (hint-hint, George), and ducks rule the avian kingdom. Quizzack.

Day Fifty-six.

2010-11-28T23:25:00.002-05:00

"Thanks for the mention Eddy [sic], you've been a great friend, and Mentor."

It's the return of the quote! Tonight's header however, comes not from my lady love, but from everyone's favorite introspective, intelligent Indian, my main man Kevin! Don't forget, you can take a peek into his refreshing ruminations (which seem to be getting updated as much as mine should be) here!

I almost went to sleep without blogging again tonight! Once again, I feel the need to apologize, and at least partially explain the absence of an entry for Day 55. Actually, on second thought, I don't think I can explain, but if you had tagged along with yours truly during Day 55, you'd understand, believe me. 'Nuff said.

Today started out kinda slow (and late, I didn't wake up till noon!), but Day 56 rounded itself out nicely; running errands that have nothing to do with me never felt so good! Kevin's recent thoughts on the true definition of beauty (and the person who opened his heart & mind to that truth) has me pondering the strange way in which the meanings of things evolve as we progress through life.

I remember being 15 and being absolutely sure of what love was, and that I was knee-deep in it. Now, at 27, I feel that I've only recently begun to understand this thing that is often described as the great mystery of life. That's a perfectly accurate description by the way, completely free of any hyperbole or cliché. It really is a huge mystery, but once you start unraveling it, you totally see how great it can be.

Sleep calls to me, "Eddieeeeee...your pillows are fluffed, and your bed is warm..." I think I'll oblige it. Tomorrow there'll be two entries as penance for my continued negligence lol. One will detail my musical methods of getting into the proper mood for this festive season! Quack, the herald angels sing!

Day Fifty-four.

2010-11-26T23:57:00.003-05:00

So, I got the run-around at the ID office today. The clerical staff of the United States Army can be so inept sometimes. I woke up around noon, showered, and got to the office at about 1pm. I was there until 4:30pm. With no progress. Oh well, it'll get done Monday, come hell or high water lol.

As good as Thanksgiving was, I was very glad to be back home tonight. Gonna get some rest now, cuz I anticipate a long, fun day tomorrow, capped off by church! Keep on quackin'!

Oh! I almost forgot! The lil' homie (and Mel's favorite buddy) Kevin now has his very own blog, entitled "The Detour," which you can find here. It was opened tonight, so there's only one entry, but it's worth a gander, if I do say so. He's a fan of this blog, as are you, dear readers (I would like to assume), so it's not a stretch to think that his writings will interest you as well.

Thanksgiving Day.

2010-11-26T23:53:00.002-05:00

Well readers, I don't have internet access at good ol' Mom's house, but fear not, for I have found a way! Now keep in mind that this is the first time I've ever used Blogspot's mobile blogging, so I'm not quite sure how this is gonna turn out.

Apparently, it's as easy as sending a text message to this number that they give you, and that message is then posted as your latest blog entry.*

Now I realize I won't get to do anything too fancy using this avenue (such as italics or different-colored fonts), but I wonder if the subject line of this text will become the subject line of this blog entry? Only one way to find out!

Today was unlike any other Thanksgiving I've ever had in my nearly 28 years of life. I'm proud to say my family has gained a few new members in the last couple years; one is a master barber (he prefers to call himself a "hair doctor") who's swept my mom off her feet, and the other is his son whom I've been friends with for years, who is currently turkey-less in Iraq, defending our freedom to stuff ourselves silly once a year.

Yet somehow, the number of people joining hands to bless the turkey, etc. today was the same as when it was just me, Mom and Susan years ago. Susan's in L.A., and Yun's in the sandbox, so it was just me, Mom and Mr. Song. It seemed like a lot of trouble to cook for just us, so per my mother's well-timed suggestion (my tummy was growling by the time I got out of bed at 1pm), we headed to the DFAC on base, where they had prepared all the Thanksgiving mainstays, for just $7.00 a head! Can't beat a deal like that with a stick!

The food was quite tasty, and served up in portion sizes appropriate to the occasion. As I was eating, though, the rotini in my pasta salad reminded me of the curly locks that frame the face of someone I would like to have had at that table as much as any of my absent family members.

But I'm feelin' hopey, not mopey, because as quickly as the holiday season seemed to sneak up on us this year, it'll be back around just as quickly in 2011. And I know that next year, the table will be decidedly fuller.

I'm thankful to God for everyone in my life that loves me and has stuck by me, even when I've been less-than-deserving of it. Good thing I'm not gonna have that issue anymore. Quack!

*Editor's note: The text-to-blog thing obviously did not turn out as planned, hence the lateness of this post. I'll get it figured out, though, fear not!

Random thoughts.

2010-11-24T16:41:00.004-05:00

I apologize, dear readers. I know I've been remiss in my commitment to maintaining the daily nature of this blog, which is as much a part of my mental and emotional therapy as it is for your reading enjoyment. My evenings had become very suddenly busy, and it left me little time, not to mention energy, to write. However, it's a safe bet that I'm gonna start having a bit more time before I hit the hay, so look out for "Day Fifty-four." ("Day Fifty-three" will, understandably, likely be pre-empted by a food coma.)

This time of year means turkey (tomorrow!), trees, and presents. But it also means Christmas candy! Christmas candy is by far, the best of the seasonal offerings (yes, Easter included), and here's why: I love the combination of chocolate and mint.

I had always been a fan of the timeless pairing that is peanut butter & chocolate. However, the more I happened upon chocolate/mint things, the more I began to shy away from ol' Mr. Reese in favor of climbing the Andes.

I'm also a big fan of white chocolate, which I'm sure can be ~~blamed on~~ attributed to my dear mommy's affinity for el chocolate blanco. So imagine my joy, when around this time last year, I spied a special "Candy Cane" iteration of Hershey's famous Kisses! They're red-and-white striped, minty white chocolate Kisses, infused with crunchy bits of real peppermint candy!

And wouldn't you know it, it just so happens that my candy jar on my desk had gotten dangerously low in the past week or so. Now it's not:

Before I forget, I've been meaning to shout-out my newest reader. She's my homegirl from way back in 9th grade, and single mom extraordinaire, Nikki! She also has a blog, entitled "The Love-Cracked Chronicles," which you can peep here. It's always a good read.

With that, I bid you all a Happy Thanksgiving, with a "gobble gobble," and a "quack quack!"

So true.

2010-11-22T13:24:00.002-05:00

On this past week's episode of Boardwalk Empire, Al Capone was in attendance at a bar mitzvah, and while he was trying to make sense of it all, an old rabbi leaned over and explained it to him, leaving young Al with this thought to chew on: "All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood unlearning the follies of our youth." I'm feeling that. I've been doing as much unlearning lately as learning. Excelsior!

Day Forty-eight.

2010-11-20T23:37:00.001-05:00

Looks like I'm headed to bed without doing what's become as much a part of my nighttime ritual as brushing my teeth, or writing in this blog. And before your minds head to the gutter, no, it's not that. It's far more innocent, though no less satisfying. It even helps me sleep better, much like that, LOL!

With that, I suppose I should hit the hay. I just got back from doing my laundry at my sister's place not too long ago. Gonna go to church in the morning, and I don't wanna doze off, especially since Pastor Mike's not gonna be delivering the message. Flappin' my wings to dreamland, and quackin' as I go!

Day Forty-seven.

2010-11-19T23:16:00.000-05:00

I was informed tonight that apparently, I'm "hunky." Well you're quite the beauty yourself, lady! ;-)

I finally got that paper turned in today. There was some confusion as to whether it was due today or this Tuesday, but I decided that I was done looking at it, and just turned it in today LOL.

I just came from hanging out with Susan and her friends, and we had a pretty good time. Speaking of good, Bull McCabe's green onion hushpuppies with chipotle aioli are so delicious! The seester also commented that she was impressed with my renewed outlook, as well as my new "Clark Kent" (her words, not mine) hairdo.* Any other time, I'd love to be compared to the Last Son of Krypton, but I can't help feeling like it's a slight to Ed Westwick. Either way, I'll take the praise!

It would seem that it's time for me to pay Mr. Sandman a visit, so until Day 48, buy me some peanuts and Quacker Jacks!

*Editor's note: I could have very well predicted this reaction, much like those hacks with the tarot cards claim to. She and Mel are virtually clones, after all!

Day Forty-six.

2010-11-18T22:34:00.013-05:00

I've been writing this paper all day. Seriously. So I thought I'd take a wee little break, and post tonight's entry. Which I've just realized constitutes more writing. So really, I've taken a break from writing to...write. Yeesh, lol.

Speaking of writing, that statement I made about wanting to take a sip of the short story Kool-Aid wasn't just some starry-eyed musing. Living my life with more integrity as of late has shown me that when my time isn't occupied with secret, unmentionable deeds, there's a lot more time for productive things like my art, reading, and writing (songs, blog entries, and now short stories, it would seem).

Since it appears that I've gained a new (or more accurately, returning) reader in my dear big sister, I feel like I should mention something that occurred to me in the last week or so. She's gonna love this.

For all the talking that I've done about self-discovery, growth, etc., I've only actually been doing those things for about a week. I'm sure you've guessed that this correlates with how long I've actually been serious about any of the grandiose gobbledygook I've been spouting.

Point is, I've done a lot of growing up in a small amount of time, and I realized that while that's all good and well, the only way to show that to anyone is through my actions. I certainly have been doing just that, but I felt that I needed a more immediate, discernible (visual?) representation of this growth for those people with whom I'm only casually acquainted.* The answer was my attire. I decided it was time to effectively retire the cartoon character tees, as well as (gasp!) the baseball caps.

It may not be the world's best-known fact, but I own my fair share of polos, cardigans, button-downs, peacoats and the like. They may not outnumber the more "urban" end of my wardrobe, but there's a lot of untapped potential there. So I tried out a few things, and one particular "big boy" outfit that I threw together garnered some pretty high praise (from that most discerning curly-headed critic, whose opinion might as well be considered the gold standard when it comes to yours truly)! On a side note, I've also been testing out a new "grown-up" hairstyle, in which I comb my hair where it naturally parts, as opposed to slicking it back or spiking it. Hey, I had to do something without my ball caps to hide my big dome!

I can't take complete credit for the metamorphosis, however, as it would be unfair to the costume and hair/makeup departments of Gossip Girl if I didn't mention that Chuck Bass' style has definitely caught my eye. Though anyone keeping their fingers crossed that I'll ditch my sneaker fetish along with all my other ghetto garb is in for some disappointment. Forces and J's are timeless, and if used properly, they transcend various styles of dress. Period.

Still, I'm thinking I like this new direction...heh. "New Directions." For those of you not in the know, that's the official name of McKinley High's stellar singing group on Glee. Which somehow reminds me of my favorite quote from Glee (thus far), courtesy of everyone's favorite airheaded cheerleader, Brittany: "I heard dolphins are just gay sharks." That was a total ADD moment on my part. Wow. No misdiagnosis there. LOL!

Okay, enough stalling. Gotta get back to this paper. Sleep well readers, and remember, baby got quack!

*Editor's note: I'm sure by this point, Susan had commenced nail-biting/lip-chewing mode, which was invariably followed by a seamless transition into backflips/cartwheels upon the reading of the next sentence. :-)

New Dre!

2010-11-18T18:18:00.003-05:00

This is a rare, non-"Day XX" entry. I just had an eargasm. Dr. Dre has returned! First "I Need a Doctor" with Em, and now "Kush" with Snoop & Akon (which we all know would be Nate, were he not incapacitated...get well soon)?! Is it possible that after over ten years of waiting, we're finally getting Detox, the long-delayed conclusion to the Chronic trilogy? It would certainly appear that way. I mean, listen to Doc strike the ivories on that beat! Even the cover art for the single looks like it was ripped straight from the golden era of hip-hop (note the subtle nod to the previous Chronic albums in the leaf)! This is officially gonna serve as my background music for the remainder of this paper tonight. So psyched! It's actually happening!

Day Forty-five

2010-11-17T22:33:00.006-05:00

Sorry about the lack of an entry for Day 44, dear readers, but we had internet difficulties at the homestead yesterday, and they were only resolved this morning. Suffice to say, Day 44 ended with a bang. Anywho, onward to today!

Good ol' Ice Cube was onto something. Today was a good day! I had a good meeting with the counselor, and I'm almost done with my big paper. I do believe I've been bitten by the writing bug, and not just the lyrical species (and certainly not the academic one!). I think I want to try my hand at a short story, and possibly even submit it somewhere. Hmm, this staying productive thing is a real door-opener!

On a tangent completely unrelated to my journey of self-improvement, the weather is getting colder, and it feels like almost the right time to break out the all-black TecTuff^®* AF1's. God Bless Footaction's military discount. Truly though, I await the burgundy pair with baited breath. I think I may need to double up for the first time in years. In the not-so-immortal words of Nelly, "Gimme two purr, I need two purr...so I can get to stompin' (insert Mel's uncanny Nelly impression here) in my Air Force Ones..."

*Editor's note: TecTuff's official website states that TecTuff^® leather is "highly abrasion resistant, oil and stain resistant, breathable and more durable than traditional leather while maintaining breathability and style." So it pretty much can take anything you throw at it, and still endure. Sorta like the way I see my not-yet-restored relationship. When I become a famous scientist, I think I'll invent a textile that represents the enduring durability of Hanky & Panky at that point in our lives — QuacTuff^®!

Day Forty-three.

2010-11-15T21:53:00.001-05:00

"I appreciate you taking responsibility for your actions. [...] Thank you for apologizing."

Last night, I had a pretty tough conversation about my (fledgling and previously nonexistent) responsibilities in all areas, but particularly the financial and vocational ones. As much growing as I feel I've done lately, I'm gonna get in gear tomorrow, and do a little growing up in the more tangible, non-mental or emotional areas of my life. Lunch tomorrow is gonna be sweet! I can't wait! Quack quack, quackity quack!

Day Forty-two.

2010-11-14T22:08:00.003-05:00

I went to church this morning, and as is common in church, I learned something. Not just any old something, but a lesson I think everyone could stand to learn (and re-learn) once in a while, myself in particular.

There are things in our lives that can have great outcomes, if we remember to be faithful and trust that God knows what he's doing. When we as human beings presume that we know better than The Man Upstairs, and we try to twist our fates to the way that we want them to be instead of the way they should be, it very seldom works out the way we want.

I was reminded tonight that no matter how much desire I have to do something, desire doesn't equal action. As many times as I've seen/read Nike's iconic slogan* in my life, it's never really meant anything until right now. Tomorrow's gonna be a big day. Quack.

*Editor's note:

Day Forty-one.

2010-11-13T21:06:00.001-05:00

I had a great day today. After an awesome Bojangles' breakfast, I got my huge paper underway, and it's coming along nicely. I'm writing rhymes again as well. Seems like getting my heart back in line has served to straighten out my mental faculties. I'm looking forward to another great day tomorrow, starting with church in the morning. For now, though, it's bath time! Quack!

Day Forty.

2010-11-13T21:02:00.001-05:00

This entry is late. Late, and short. There simply is no entry needed. Quack-a-doodle-do!

Day Thirty-nine.

2010-11-11T22:19:00.002-05:00

A clear conscience is a beautiful thing. I haven't had one in so long, that I forgot how absolutely freeing it feels. I like this feeling, and I'm gonna maintain it. It's a hell of a lot less taxing on the noggin (not to mention the ol' ticker) than the Hell I was putting myself through before. Definitely a great feeling. Today, it seems, was a day of growth and...discoveries.

Quack quack quack! C'mon, everybody, sing along if you know it!

Day Thirty-eight.

2010-11-10T23:29:00.001-05:00

Every day. One day at a time, but every damn day. Every day, I see changes in myself, and ways in which I'm growing and learning. Signs. And I don't mean the little toothpicks with the flags that they stick into frogs' organs in biology class. I'm talkin' billboards. The big, lighted ones with the animated logos.

That said, I'm well aware that I could count the number of people who have faith in me (including myself) on one hand, and likely still have some fingers left. That's all right though, because no one'll be able to dispute the difference in my life. Would I like to have a bunch of people cheering me on? Sure. Do I need a bunch of people cheering me on? No. I know who believes in me, and that's all the motivation I need.

I'm a quack-head, and I need some quack rocks.

Day Thirty-seven.

2010-11-09T23:57:00.003-05:00

"Thank you."

No thanks necessary. Thank you. I'm on the right track, and I'm not lookin' back. Quack.*

*Editor's note: I totally didn't intend for that to rhyme.

Day Thirty-six.

2010-11-09T01:25:00.000-05:00

"It's hard to hear you say that."

There's no entry tonight. Just this quote. Lots of work to do. Did a little bit of it tonight, and it was tough, but rewarding. Nighty night, readers. Quack.

Day Thirty-five.

2010-11-07T22:55:00.002-05:00

"Do the right thing, love."

I did, and it went well. Huh! Imagine that, I did the right thing, and it turned out well. What a novel concept! All humor aside, I was faced with a situation today in which my past as a dishonest person reared its head. An incident occurred, and although I professed my innocence, I was not believed, due to my past misdeeds and dishonesty.

However, after some sage advice from a pretty lady, I decided not to do what I always do in these cases (which is feel sorry for myself and lash out at my accuser), but rather calmly and coolly restate the honest truth, and the response I received was one of trust, and acceptance! Now all I gotta do is make this process automatic, without the initial waffling. One step at a time, though. Still, today was a good day.

Correction ─ today was a good day, except for the fact that our houseguest Kevin will only be making weekend visits from now on, and while that's probably for the best, I can't say I'm not a tad bummed.

Well, it's time for bed, though some people seem to have taken the express train to Dreamland already. Quack.

Day Thirty-four.

2010-11-06T23:57:00.005-04:00

Today's entry has no quote preceding it, simply because last night's numerous phone conversations yielded more quoteworthy statements than my little brain can contain. Most were hilarious, some of them stung, and some were just complete head-scratchers. None of which shall ever be reproduced in writing. I could hear that sigh of relief from here! LOL! Onto tonight's entry.

As much of a random emotional roller-coaster as last night was, today was just as wacky! I went to campus to study and do homework, and upon my return home, I discovered that we have a new houseguest! And guess who it is? (Drumroll please...) It's Mel's favorite person not named Eddie...Kevin!* Apparently, he's gonna be staying with us for a little while, and I couldn't be more psyched! We play the same video games, read the same books, and we even like the same chips (Ruffles Sour Cream & Cheddar, hell yeah!). He's also a big fan of this blog, so shout out to the lil' homie!

I'm so ready for tomorrow, so it's time to hit the hay, but not until I whoop Kevin in a couple rounds of Monopoly...little pewter dog up in this bitch!

Woof woof! Quack quack!

*Editor's note: Kevin called me earlier this evening, and unlike the rest of my contacts (whose contact photos are all pictures of themselves), Kevin's picture in my phone is of the bird "Kevin" from the delightful Disney/Pixar film "Up". So when that wacky dodo bird-lookin' thing popped up on my phone, my brain didn't register that anyone was calling. Then, when I got home, I saw Kevin, and everything clicked: "Ohhhhh! You called me earlier!"

Day Thirty-three.

2010-11-05T22:04:00.004-04:00

"Pregaming!"

My chinky eyes + my ADD + my perpetual case of the munchies = fun misreadings of words!
I only took a fleeting glance at the word, but I could have sworn it said "Pierogimania!" I dunno if I'm just craving those delectable Polish* predecessors to the Hot Pocket, or what, but I thought that little misstep by the Pplz Peepers was noteworthy LOL.

Today was a long day, but man I still definitely got that TGIF feeling at the end of it all. Every day, this new honesty and integrity thing gets easier and easier to integrate into my daily life. Interestingly, tonight's episode of The Clone Wars started with a quote (as they all do) that seemed to speak to me directly: "Failure in planning is a plan for failure." Recently, I've been reminded of the importance of concrete, solid plans, even if they're just baby steps. I'm glad to say that that lesson is sticking thus far, and I'm taking it one step at a time, with no stumbling backwards.

There it is again, that "TGIF" feeling. Time to fill the bathtub and go convene with Mr. Bubble. I'm sure after I'm nice and clean, and my feathers are preened, I'll hit the hay like a sack of bricks. Nighty-night readers, and as always, quack.

*Editor's note: Shout out to the "Polish" Man!

Day Thirty-two.

2010-11-04T23:01:00.003-04:00

"I can't think of a more hurtful thing you could have done."

Sorry loyal readers, I'm not feeling too chatty tonight. Kinda had the wind knocked outta my sails. Now, that doesn't mean that I'm any less optimistic about what I'm doing or about the future, I'm just feeling less...outwardly optimistic at the moment.

Parolees and ex-cons always say that it's so terribly difficult to find gainful employment after having served time, regardless of whether or not they've been completely reformed. There's just a certain stigma that you bring upon yourself when you commit a crime. If you just got out of jail for robbing a grocery store, do you think anyone's gonna send you out for milk and bread anytime soon?

I totally get it. I'm trying to make up for the things I've done, and the damage that I've caused, and I know I'll get there. Hell, I'm already on my way. But it's a whole 'nother beast to get anyone else to swallow that.

Tryin' to stay afloat through this storm, quackin' loud & clear, over the wind, rain, and thunder.

Day Thirty-one.

2010-11-03T23:15:00.002-04:00

"You have a one of a kind opportunity here. I can be all yours, all the time."

Well if that's not an offer to jump at, I dunno what is! All the difficult things I'm coming to terms with, and will have to do in the future, are gonna seem easy-peasy on the other side of this, especially with such a prospect waiting for me.

Counseling was good today, and I needed it to be. It's funny...the more I learn about myself, I constantly find myself surprised and not surprised at the same time. I can't wait until I feel like I deserve the good things that happen to me in my life.

As insightful as the doctor is, I wish she could peer into the past and tell me just what the hell was biting me as I slept last night. I believe it may have been a flea from Susan's friend's dog that hitched a ride to my house. I just hope it had nothing to do with that bedbug infestation that was in the news recently.

Had fun hangin' with big sis tonight, and I totally didn't realize it was my Dad's birthday today...oops! It's ok though, cuz when I got there, Susan had a card on the table, waiting for me to sign it, which means it's gonna be mailed out tomorrow, the day after his birthday! So my procrastination is genetic!

On a completely unrelated, ADD-induced tangent, I think I should re-learn how to drive a stick.

Quack-yawn-quack. All good duckies sleep when the pond starts to reflect the moonlight.

Day Thirty.

2010-11-02T22:33:00.001-04:00

"Hopefully you're doing the work so that's possible."

I truly am. I can't say that everything has gone exactly according to plan, or that I've been progressing along this road of self-discovery and growth in the timeliest fashion. However, what I do know is that I'm capable of doing the right thing, even when it's difficult. That's not something about myself that I've always been totally sure of.

I did quite a bit of reading today, a lot of which was in that "Psychology of Self-Deception" book. It's a bit too long to get into on here, but there was a passage that I came across today about why people choose to run from adversity instead of face it head-on. And it's not always because they're cowards. Suffice to say, it gave me a lot to think about before my next appointment.

I had a good time tonight with Susan, and her friend Tom and his girlfriend. It's always funny to see non-Korean people's reactions to how "spicy" Korean food is. Oh, they have no idea what would have happened had I had free reign over that wok tonight LOL! I was definitely holding back.

On a related note, it would seem that my PC/TV skills are once again needed at Chez Susan, so I'll be headed over there again tomorrow evening with my mental gears spinning, and my USB drive at the ready, and hopefully get the whole PC-to-HDTV thing ironed out.

Ok, my eyes are getting droopy, and I think I may have just inserted some unneeded static into Mel's vacation. Yikes! Do you smell what the Quack is cookin'?

Day Twenty-nine.

2010-11-01T21:51:00.003-04:00

"No, I won't be eating any sushi. [...] You'd love this place. Lots of smelly fishies on a conveyor belt."

No duh. My hunny? Eating anything that doesn't walk on land? That'd be the day! At that point, I would just give up trying to be with her, cuz it would be a sure sign that my much-feared robot apocalypse had indeed occurred, and that this marine-munching Mel was merely a mindless, metal, murderous, machine! Yay for alliteration!

It was all I could do to get out of bed this morning and go to class. But I'm glad I did, because I had a pretty darn good counseling session today.*

Upon getting home, however, my get-up-and-go kinda got up and went, but I managed to clean up a little, work out, and engage in a lil' Epicurean experimentation. I popped open my oh-so-delicious jar of Peggy Rose's Hot Pepper Jelly (Big up to Peggy Rose & Southern Season!), hit it with some lemon juice and various spices, and marinated a couple butterflied chicken breasts in it. Long story short, they later got wrapped in foil, broiled, and eaten with the quickness! They were scrum-diddly-umptious!

I know that I haven't exactly had the truest moral compass as of late, but I can't help feeling that there's something just...not right about likening myself to a duck, while I have all this tasty bird meat in my belly, but cluck it. LOL. Quack.

*Editor's note: Today in counseling, I was presented with quite a few hard truths (when does she not do that?), and ideas on what to do with them. A few minutes ago, I made a choice and did something that was difficult for me to do. However, I did it because it's the right thing to do for all parties involved. If that's not a surefire sign of growth, then I dunno what is. In the words of the immortal Stan "the Man" Lee, "Excelsior!"

Day Twenty-eight.

2010-10-31T21:14:00.003-04:00

"First and foremost being able to be honest with yourself. You struggle with it."

I do indeed. But not for long. I promise.

So here I am, it's Halloween, and I'm spending a quiet evening finishing up some homework for my Interpersonal Communications class. Then it happens.

First I was getting cosmic wake-up calls from Chuck Bass & Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl, then Lois Lane & Clark Kent on Smallville, and I got a couple this morning in church, but that's to be expected. I didn't think Jesus was gonna wait till I started doing my homework, and then hit me over the head with it again!

This week's chapter in class was entitled "Relationships," but it was this slide of this week's lecture notes in particular that caught my attention. It details the main ways in which a relationship deteriorates, all of which I've been guilty of, but will also never be guilty of again.

Well, I suppose I should head back to that magical land of Academia, and see what other eye-openers Dr. Croasmun has for me this evening.

Quack-or-treat!

Day Twenty-seven.

2010-10-30T23:37:00.002-04:00

"First thing I noticed when I got home was the picture of you and I hangin on my mother's fridge."

I don't want her to ever have a reason to take it down. I hope you're having fun with your friends and family. I miss you. And TV keeps talking to me (not in a cuckoo way lol). Church in the morning. Got a feeling Jesus is gonna hit me with something heavy mañana.

LOIS: If they know the real Clark Kent, then I am sure the rest of the world will believe in you as much as I do. [...] We just have to trust that we'll always be there for each other when times get tough.
CLARK: Which is why I want you to have this.
LOIS: The unabridged user's guide to all things Kryptonian?
CLARK: (Smirking) It may fill in a few blanks. I want you to know me completely, with no secrets. Because you're the one. You always will be.

And with that dialogue between geekdom's most destined (and most often-imperiled) star-crossed lovers, it's time for bed.

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, we were right the first time, it is a bird. A duck to be exact. Super-quack!

Day Twenty-six.

2010-10-29T22:09:00.002-04:00

"Yes, you can. You have a long way to go. I know that you can do anything. Don't come back to me until you're well. [...] Now move mountains."

I hope that one day we can have another chance to explore the love that we both know only exists between us. However, even if I've nullified any hope of that ever happening, I have confidence. I have confidence in myself, and my strength to do what's right. If we're never "us" again, I'll still always be grateful that I had someone loves me enough to see who I am inside, and believes that I can be that man.

Q-U-A-C-K. Sound it out, kids!

Thank you.

2010-10-28T22:51:00.002-04:00

"I love you. I'll pray for you."
Thank you. Even if nothing else ever comes from our relationship or our love, that's what I needed. I will press on, cuz knowing that you love me, and you're praying for me, through all of this, gives ne strength.

Quack, with the most orange, widespread beak on the planet. Quack!

The truth.

2010-10-28T22:31:00.002-04:00

"Truth: I thought it was my turn. Truth: You're a liar."

Truth: It can still be your turn. I wish it could be.

Truth: I am a liar. But I won't always be. I wish you could be there to see that.

Quack, God damn it. Quack.

Today's quote.

2010-10-28T20:35:00.001-04:00

"Letting go of the bad, means letting go of the good. Waiting for the voice I know will never come."

If there was anything I could tell her that would help, I would. My voice is here. I just don't have the right to speak to her.

Day Twenty-five.

2010-10-28T19:43:00.001-04:00

I had an idea. I had an idea of what I wanted my life to be, and who I wanted to have it with. Trouble is, the person that I've been isn't worthy of having a life that good, nor a person as wonderful as her.

The person I've been doesn't deserve those things. The person I will become, however, will be deserving of such a future. Too bad I already forced her to leave, making that an impossibility.

I guess I'll have to settle for the best possible future that I can ensure for myself, in the absence of true love. I'm sure it won't be terrible, but it certainly won't be what it should have been.

It's like if you were diagnosed with diabetes one day; you would suddenly find yourself relegated to that teeny "sugar-free" section of the candy aisle. Sure, it's better than nothing, but you know better. You've had real chocolate before, you've had real butterscotch discs, peppermints, Jolly Ranchers, etc. Now, all you can do is remember what a Hershey bar tastes like, as you reach for another aspartame-infused impostor.

How's that for a food analogy?

I feel it would be inappropriate of me to quack at the end of this entry, as my wings have been clipped, and my beak has been held shut, with rubberbands that once encircled a shampoo bottle in my windowsill. By me.

I'm Broken.

2010-10-27T16:03:00.002-04:00

My mind is broken.

My heart is broken.

The worst part is, my mind can be fixed, with time and effort.

My heart on the other hand...

I wish she could forgive me, but she can't. I saw to that.

I wish we could wipe the slate clean, but we can't. I saw to that.

But still, I am going to become a better man. A good man.

I'm just sorry that I was unable to admit that it's been harder to make those changes than I thought. And being too scared to admit that cost me everything.

"You can't do that alone. You need somebody. You need someone who can see the man you were, inside the man you've become. Who can forgive you."
─ Joseph Adama to Daniel Graystone, Caprica

Melanie was that person.

Day Twenty-four.

2010-10-27T13:52:00.001-04:00

I had a series of horrific nightmares last night.

Then I woke up and realized that my nightmares were preferable to my reality. The reality that I caused.

Fuck.

Day Twenty-three.

2010-10-26T22:24:00.001-04:00

No quote today, nor tomorrow, nor the next day.

I'm sad.

Day Twenty-two.

2010-10-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

"Wow! Look at my hunny go!"

And go I did, and go I shall.

I've got eight days coming up where my resolve is definitely gonna be put to the test, and I will stand my ground and stay on the path. Those eight days should be my eight days as well, but as long as I keep doing what I should be doing, I'll get that chance.

Purple sweet potatoes > orange ones.

I've got sore arms, a happy heart, and heavy eyelids.

Quack.

Day Twenty-one.

2010-10-24T22:05:00.003-04:00

"You've got me on layaway. You've picked me out, but you can't pay for me just yet. At least you know I fit!"*

What a hell of a weekend!

Today, as with every day, I recognized (and was reminded) of the slow and steady progress I've made thus far (possibly as a junior landscaper?). However, at three weeks in, I still have no misgivings or misconceptions as to the long road ahead, or the enormous amount of effort that has to be exerted in order to shape myself into the man I'm going to be.

That said, this is the happiest I've been in weeks. This whole concept of honesty and integrity (doing/meaning what I say) isn't the most automatic thing for me yet, but the more I do it, the lighter and less burdened my poor overworked heart and mind get.

Ever seen a duck and a bunny in bed together? Goodnight.

*Editor's note: This quote supplanted what would have been tonight's quote, purely by its own merit. As a result, the quote that would have been tonight's quote, will actually be tomorrow night's quote. Didya get all that?

Day Twenty.

2010-10-24T01:32:00.003-04:00

"I miss you too. PS I totally just put my shoes on the wrong feet."

How could I not want that person back in my life? LOL

Lately, it seems as though every day has multiple ups and downs within itself. And maybe that's normal, maybe everyone's days are like that, and I've just never been at peace enough to notice those subtleties.

I just got back from a great concert with my sister, (her boyfriend?) Steve, and their friends. The band's name was The Love Language, and they absolutely rocked my socks off. Their name also got me to thinking about the "language" of love. It's something in which I am by no means fluent, but it's certainly become a hell of a lot less foreign to me in recent weeks.

I need sleep. Tomorrow's gonna be a good day.

Quack.

Day Nineteen.

2010-10-23T00:28:00.001-04:00

Time for sleep. Goodnight world.

Quizzack.

Day Eighteen.

2010-10-21T23:36:00.000-04:00

"Dinner is all cleaned up and I'm relaxing outside on the deck. There's only one thing missing from this picture."

I know who I am. I know who she is. I know who we are.

I know something's missing, hunny. I know it's me. I can get back there. We can get back there.

You know as well as I do, that I'm capable of being a good, honest man, who lives his life with integrity. But you've also acknowledged how much time and effort that will take, and I've finally understood that.

I'm excited about tomorrow, and excited about the future. In doing what I gotta do for me, I'm ensuring that we have the best chance possible for us.

Taking responsibility for myself and owning what I've done is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Nonetheless, I know that if I tough it out, the reward will be everything I've ever wanted.

Looking forward to tomorrow, with my beak open wide.

Quack.

Day Seventeen.

2010-10-20T23:02:00.003-04:00

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to myself the first 15 times I knew something was wrong. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt so bad if I'd have left sooner. I just loved you so much that I didn't want any of it to be true."

That's true. That's all I got tonight, no grand introspection, no flowery romanticism. Just a dose of hard reality.

Quack.

Day Sixteen.

2010-10-19T22:31:00.003-04:00

"Tuesdays still suck for the record."

Today was a Tuesday in name only.

That's not to say that it was a bad day by any means. On the contrary, today was a pretty good day. Every day can't promise a mind-boggling, life-changing revelation, but every day will be a step in the right direction. In 55 days, I will be given the opportunity to attest to the progress that I've made, and the man that I am becoming.

Read a lot today, exercised mind and body, and paved the way for every day from here on out, just like I do every morning when I wake up.

"Talked to an old coworker/friend this morning who is happy w/her husband after he cheated on her. Gave me some hope. [...] Because I can see the big picture. You're the Cheech to my Chong."

Best. Analogy. EVER.

The wheels on the bus go round and round, and the ducks in the pond go "Quack, quack, quack!"

Location:Hamilton Rd,Chapel Hill,United States

Day Fifteen.

2010-10-18T22:21:00.002-04:00

"Refreshing to hear you own it. One foot in front of the other, love."

So, I'm sitting at Susan's house trying to fix her TV, and given the fact that she and Mel are clones, I can imagine having to do this again sometime in the future, and I'm greatly looking forward to it.

Today was a good day. Every time I learn a hard lesson about myself, or own up to something that I'm not particularly proud of, I realize afterwards that biting the bullet allows me to feel a sense of relief and ease that I've never felt before.

Love is the most interesting experience you can ever have in life, I think. To know that there's someone on the planet who has the ability to make you happier than you've ever been, but is simultaneously capable of hurting you more deeply than anyone else can. That knowledge is the scariest thing ever, and yet, it can also be the most liberating, once you fully embrace it. Dichotomies, dichotomies.

For me, it's just exciting not to have any misgivings as to who that person is (I see you, Mel!), and have the chance to explore all the things that come along with that understanding. Especially having almost forfeited that opportunity indefinitely.

Okay, back to being my sister's TV repairman!

Pull the string on your See-N-Say, and "the duck says..."

Quack!

Location:Clarendon St,Durham,United States

Day Fourteen.

2010-10-17T22:41:00.006-04:00

Wow, Day 14...two weeks seems like a long time, and it's had its ups and downs already, but I know that the road ahead is going to be more difficult than anything I've ever done.* That being the case, I have faith in my ability to grow and enrich my life, and in turn, the lives of those who care about me (especially Mel's, Lord willing).

Today, my mother made the comment that I looked and sounded a lot happier than I had in a while, and that something was just different. The fact that she recognized that in me made me feel good. I take that as another sign that I'm on the right track, and I intend to stay there!

I can't remember where I heard this, but it's good: "'Shoulda, 'woulda,' and 'coulda' always lead to 'never did'." I'm taking this one to heart. As of yet, DeLoreans are still just strange aluminum cars from the '80s, so it does me no good (and likely some harm) to try and dream up scenarios in which I do things differently, or rewrite history in such a way that I didn't make those life-changing mistakes. Rather, I need to focus on the reasons behind my actions, the far-reaching results and consequences stemming from those actions, and the best way to deal with them for both of us.

Off to dreamland now, where we can see each other as freely as we please...and where it's also densely populated by anthropomorphic cupcakes and cookies for some reason, complete with white Mickey Mouse gloves! LOL!

Quackin' till my beak falls off.

*Editor's Note: I just finished having a conversation about one of these inevitable difficulties that I'll be faced with in the future. Apparently there are people who are very important to me, whose opinions of me may have been irrevocably damaged, no matter how much progress I make. That's a toughie.

Day Thirteen.

2010-10-16T12:39:00.003-04:00

Yeah it's Day 13, but it's been everything but unlucky! Last night started out gloomy, but then was unexpectedly wonderful, and this morning just followed that trend. Off to Fayettenam to kick it with Mom, Mr. Song & Yun before they ship him off to the sandbox!

I feel good. Got a permanent smile on my face, and a purpose in my heart. Now let's see how many people I can surprise! The way I feel is like when they started redoing all the Wal-Mart logos..."Please excuse our mess, we're making improvements to better serve you!"

Quackity-quack. All day, everyday, muh'fuckas.

I Can't.

2010-10-15T18:15:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I can't smile.
I can't figure out what to do with my Tuesdays.
I can't figure out what to do with my weekends.
I can't drink out of anything but the polar bear cup.
I can't bring myself to change the background on my phone.
I can't bring myself to change the background on my computer.
I can't even open the cover of "I Met a Man."
I can't see how this could possibly be the way it's meant to turn out.
I can't stop thinking about her.
I can't stop thinking about how I hurt her.
I can't stop thinking that there's got to be something I can do for her.
I can't stop thinking that there's got to be something I can do for us.
I can't stop missing her.
I can't stop loving her.
I can't stop working towards being better.
I can't believe that this was all we were meant to become.
I just can't.

Day Twelve.

2010-10-15T16:35:00.003-04:00

Everything has fallen apart. Gonna keep it together though; gonna keep my promise. Seeing the fam and going to church should be good. I need to talk to God. Who else can help right now?

Who Will...

2010-10-14T20:58:00.003-04:00

Who will watch The River Wild with her on a lazy Saturday afternoon?
Who will she match culinary wits with now?
Who will she read children's books with now? (That's not a box, it's my heart.)
Who will ease her mind before a romantic dinner?
Who will she lay her head on at night?
Who will kiss her forehead now?
What has become of us?
What will become of me?
What will become of her?

Day Eleven.

2010-10-14T17:26:00.001-04:00

And so...here I am. Alone.

I almost gave up today. Not on me and her (as I fear the worst in that regard), but on myself. I made a promise to myself, and to her, that I would see this through and become the good man I know I can be, regardless of whether she would be waiting at the end of that road or not.

Therefore, I cannot and will not abide anyone who hinders me in this endeavor. As a human being, there is no greater thing to aspire to than to love and be loved. If I am destined never to have that privilege again, then the very least I can do is to honor the memory of that love, by becoming the man I should have been.

I pray the ducks have not yet flown away.

What Now?

2010-10-14T00:52:00.002-04:00

What do I do now? This is like the time I cried all over my steering wheel. Maybe I'll just run out of juice and fall asleep.

Day Ten.

2010-10-14T00:37:00.000-04:00

...

Day Nine.

2010-10-12T23:56:00.009-04:00

"I miss 'Eddie and Mel.' It has a nice ring to it."

Yes it does.

Today was an interesting one. Not nearly as good as yesterday, but then again, that would be pretty hard to top. I met with my always-awesome academic adviser, and had a pretty good counseling session. I'm almost through folding my mountain of clothes, and I'm about to head to Susan's to grab the last of it, and maybe have a cup of joe with her and Steve. Productive till bedtime!

Something's been bugging me, though. I've realized that I'm afraid, and that fear stems from a deep uncertainty I have about the future. Mind you, I know I'm headed down the right path, and as such, I have no doubts as to the caliber of the Eddie Sanford that's gonna emerge on the other side of this long, arduous tunnel. That's definitely not the uncertainty that worries me, because there's absolutely none there to speak of.

However, I'm afraid that I'm gonna pop outta my cocoon, honesty and integrity in tow, with all the morals my mama (both of 'em!) gave me. And then I'm gonna blink, rub my eyes, and realize that she's not around for me to put this "new me" to good use. There's nothing I can do to quell the blaring reminders in her head of what I did. As she said earlier, "It's the difference between forgetting and forgiving."

I hope that if there's anything or anyone that can quiet (or even eventually silence) those constant reminders, it would be the man who persevered to that parking space, and onward to pumpkin ravioli and Plan Pegau. The man from Shadow's house. The man from the eight-hour small-talk session (if eight hours can be considered "small-talk") in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The man with the zebra bottle opener. I am, and have always been, that man, no matter how small of a percentage might have manifested itself at any give time. If anyone can provide that hope for the future, it's ~~him~~ me.

Quack.

Day Eight.

2010-10-11T16:01:00.002-04:00

"But my hair looks so drunk!"

Day 8 is perfect. That is all.

To kinda/sorta co-opt a phrase from a certain Space Ranger, "To Day 72, and beyond (way, way beyond)!"

Day Seven.

2010-10-10T16:10:00.005-04:00

Today is the Lord's day, and He's had quite a bit to say to me today. Time for workout.

Huh. The song I'm listening to has never sounded quite like this before. I'm starting from the ground up, so the only direction to go is to...take it to the top. I hope eventually she's able to place enough faith in me to see that I can and will do it.

"Shawty if you love me like you're lost and you can't find your way without me,
Then you're gonna wake up one day when I'm gone, thinkin' why did you doubt me?
But you got to believe me,
I'll take it to the, take it to the, take it to the top.
You got to believe me,
I'll take it to the, take it to the, take it to the top. (We'll take it to the top!)"
─ Freeway feat. 50 Cent, "Take it to the Top"

Day Seven.

2010-10-10T13:05:00.003-04:00

"I actually was able to let loose and have fun tonight. Two different guys asked for my number. I am worth the work!"

Yes you are. Those were two smart fellas. Time to go do laundry.

Da Bears.

Da Ducks.

Day Six.

2010-10-09T17:21:00.004-04:00

"I know what you and I can have together. Its not something you find everyday and its worth waiting for. Anybody else would mean I've settled."

This is precisely the reason why now, at Day 6, I can see Day 72 (and furthermore, Day 365 and beyond) with a clarity that I've never had at any other time in my life.

I'm sitting here at Francesca's with one the most important women in my life, my sister, and she's doing homework, and I'm having a chai* while reading "Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity" by David Allen. Next best thing to kickin' it at a beach house with the other most important woman in my life. Life is good.

Didn't sleep so great last night, but I'm feeling strangely awake, and clear-headed. I'm liking the fact that I've got a one-track mind, and a one-track heart. I'm gonna do what I gotta do for me, and that's the only way there can ever be an us. It'll be the "quack" heard 'round the world!

"Enough sulking, tonight I deserve to have FUN. For me."

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Yours is my favorite face in all of Creation, and I only ever want there to be a smile on it, even in absentia (I'm glad you're smarter than the average florist).

*Editor's Note: It should understood that no coffeeshop swill passing itself off as "chai" will ever be a viable contender to Mrs. Patel's homemade, stovetop, sprinkled-with-love chai.

Day Five.

2010-10-08T23:54:00.003-04:00

"Sure, I'll have fun this weekend. But I'd rather be with you."

My sentiments exactly. I can't begin to describe what it feels like to know what this weekend was supposed to be, but instead be sitting here knowing that you're all the way over there.

This isn't just Day 5. This day, this weekend, is the reminder of who I was, and who I'm going to be. The happiness that this weekend could have given us both serves as stinging motivation to ensure that I never again take for granted the royal flush of a life that God dealt me.

I know I'm going to come out on the other side of this different; better. I hope she believes that, and I hope it's instantly discernible. I believe in myself and I believe in us.

I need to pray. I need to pray, then I need to sleep. I need to pray, I need to sleep, then I need to dream.

They fixed my window and cleaned the entire interior of my car to like-new condition, getting all the broken glass out, as well as all the beach sand. Though I'd rather be bringing back some beach sand in my floorboards a couple days from now.

Quizzack.

Day Four.

2010-10-07T17:54:00.003-04:00

"Staring at the scribbled out plans for my weekend..."

As confident and as hopeful as I am for the next 67 days and beyond, the aforementioned statement really gets to me.

At one time, I told myself that I would download the game and watch it, but I know I wouldn't be able to. And it's not just Sunday, either.

I had planned an entire weekend of surprises, well in advance, and it likely would have been the most well thought-out of the very few things in my life that I've ever planned for in advance.

However, I forfeited the privilege of seeing these surprises (as well as their resulting smiles) unfold. I'm not beating myself up about it by any means. I'm simply reminding myself that a pure, wonderful opportunity to show selflessness and care was negated by months of selfishness and disregard.

I have no doubt in my mind or heart that I will have ample time and opportunity to enact surprise acts of love and thoughtfulness for the rest of my life, when my character reflects those sentiments through and through.

Nonetheless, I have a feeling that my entries for Days 5, 6 & 7 may be a bit short, and possibly slightly vacant. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to the end of a weekend this badly before. I wish I were going to the beach. I still maintain my faith, though.

Quack.

Day Three.

2010-10-06T23:06:00.003-04:00

"I thought you might."

And I did need it. Last night was...interesting, to say the least. My reaction to the situation was equally as interesting, as I was not upset at all about my car, or what was stolen from it. In fact, my primary concern was for my poor sister, at whom I had (albeit jokingly) poked fun for her street not being terribly well-lit, upon my arrival. My thoughts immediately raced to what safety concerns this might raise for her, when she hadn't even settled in all the way yet.

Not only did I think of someone else before myself, I didn't think about myself at all. It's kinda sad that it was a fairly new feeling for me, but it was also exciting, and gives me lots of hope that I'm headed in the right direction.

Speaking of heading in the right direction, a more direct indicator is the fact that yesterday morning, when my mother called me to run down the list of things I should do (file police report, call insurance, take car into shop), I had already done them all. That was definitely a "Yay me!" moment.

Well, time for sleep. I'll keep writing 'em if you keep reading 'em.

On a side note, I fear that by the time of Day 71's posting, my eyebrows are going to look like Sandy Cohen from The O.C..

Day Two.

2010-10-05T21:52:00.003-04:00

"I could really use a wish right now."

Sometimes there are things for which wishing and hoping aren't enough, and the only thing that'll get the job done is pure, old-fashioned work. Action.

And sometimes, those things have to be done alone. I've made a few tough calls/decisions in the last few days, but I've made them of my own accord, and on my own two feet.

This is not to say that I absolutely don't need anyone in my life for love and support at the moment (cuz Lord knows I do), but I recognize that the responsibility ultimately falls squarely upon my shoulders.

It feels good that for the first time in my adult life, I'm okay with that. I'm ready to prove that I can do this...on my own.

All I need is my handy-dandy notebook like Steve from Blue's Clues (which I still feel is missing an "L," btw)!

T-minus 71 days and counting. Quizzack.

Day One.

2010-10-04T13:58:00.004-04:00

"I wish this were easier."

Yeah, me too. I don''t know what's more difficult at the moment ─ the sheer amount of time I'm faced with, or the fact that I know how she feels, but there's nothing I can do to help; not for the next 72 days at least.

I know that not only do I have the potential to grow into a better man, but that I will. I won't be all the way there by 12/15, but I know I'll have made a hell of a lot of progress.

This poor letter is gonna get worn out if I keep unfolding/folding it and taking it in/out of my wallet. I had a math test this morning, so luckily the whole time I was studying for it, every time I pulled out my notebook, I got a little boost of confidence as well.

T-minus 72 days till the first checkpoint. It's not that long. I have faith. Off to my appointment.

"Heaven ain't hard to find,
In fact you can have it,
Just have faith,
It's like a little kid still believin' in magic.
It takes a lot of sacrifice,
And with all the lonely nights,
I need somebody I can trust in my life."
─ Tupac, "Heaven Ain't Hard 2 Find"

Blair. Chuck.

2010-09-25T22:31:00.006-04:00

The lil' homie Kevin can be thanked for my resurgence into the blogosphere (as he recently informed me that he misses reading my rants), so here goes.

To preface this entry, I've gotta say that it was recently brought to light that I haven't been living my life in a way that reflects that I care about anyone but myself. Furthermore, I took for granted that anyone cared about me. All of this is true. I made some huge mistakes, and I hurt and alienated the woman I love, in addition to most of my family and friends. I'll never be that person again. Ok, now with that in mind, enough of the weepy stuff, read on!

I'll be the first to admit that the majority of my guilty pleasures lie in the realm of television, though some of them hang out in the frozen desserts section of the grocery store. Excluding cool, sweet treats however, I find myself strangely drawn to soapy, sappy, teen TV dramas. Ok, now try to stifle your snickering and continue reading. When The O.C. premiered way back when, I remember being intrigued by the way it seemed to achieve the perfect balance of drama, romance, and angsty coming-of-age-ness, with a dash of machismo sprinkled on top.

The O.C. may have ended three years ago (tear), but creator Josh Schwartz quickly filled the void left in my heart by those brooding Cali kids with brooding Upper East Siders! While Chuck Bass is no Ryan Atwood, Gossip Girl is still a pretty good show, and the most recent episode contained a scene that hit pretty close to home.

A strange twist of fate befalls broken-hearted millionaire anti-hero Chuck Bass, leaving him stranded in Paris with no identification, and no way to contact his loved ones. This prompts Chuck to take the opportunity to renounce his deceiving, self-serving ways, and start his life anew. However, you can't escape fate, and Chuck's one true love, Blair Waldorf, serendipitously bumps into him, sparking the following dialogue:

BLAIR: Just because you're dressed poorly doesn't mean you're not Chuck Bass.
CHUCK: Why would I wanna be him?
BLAIR: You should've told me you got shot.
CHUCK: I'm surprised you didn't shoot me yourself.
BLAIR: I have, many times, in my dreams...the good ones. [Smirking] But if you were really hurt, I'd wanna know.
CHUCK: When I woke up, my ID was gone...nobody knew who I was, nobody was coming to look for me. I realized I might be alive, but Chuck Bass doesn't have to be.
BLAIR: Changing your name doesn't change who you are.
CHUCK: It's a good start. A chance to live simply, earn peoples' respect. Maybe, become a person someone could love.
BLAIR: Someone did love you...and you owe it to her, and everyone else you're leaving behind, not to run away; which is what you're doing. And I don't think that great man you're talking about wanting to be, is a coward. I think he would face up to what he did.
CHUCK: I destroyed the only thing I ever loved [...] your world would be easier if I didn't come back.
BLAIR: That's true...but it wouldn't be my world without you in it.

You can do it, Duck-- er, I mean, Chuck!

Baby Carrots.

2009-12-15T14:17:00.004-05:00

The back of my bag of baby carrots reads, "Ingredients: carrots." Really?! Really, Green Giant?! We see that! The bag is TRANSPARENT!!

Pinky Toe.

2009-12-01T21:33:00.009-05:00

When I was younger, maybe eight or nine years old, I had the most self-convinced notion that there was something wrong with my pinky toe, particularly the nail. You see, the nails on all my other toes pretty much resembled their fingery counterparts, while both my pinky toenails seemed small and oddly shaped; just kinda malformed in general. I sustained this self-deprecating sentiment until one day, at the pool (or beach, I can't recall which), I noticed someone else's bare feet and thought to myself: "That guy must have the same weird pinky toe condition as me!" Not too long after, I saw someone else walk by with a similar pinky toenail, and another, and yet another! It was then that I realized that everyone's pinky toenail looks like that! I'd post a pic of mine, but somehow I don't feel that you guys would really wanna see it. Odd that this is a blog in which I can explain the effect that really hot Thai food has on my tummy, but a shot of my not-so-strange little toenail is crossing the line...go figure.

Russian Roulette.

2009-11-17T19:39:00.007-05:00

I just saw RiRi's cute lil' elf-lookin' self with that cockatoo hairdo in the "Russian Roulette" video. Incidentally, does anyone else recall when they used to blur out any and all instances of firearms in music videos?

Black Metallic.

2009-11-04T05:46:00.002-05:00

So I've been asked on more than one occasion about the song that plays when you readers take these brief trips into tha Pplz Psyche, and I guess it's time I spill the beans. The song is called "Black Metallic" (I know you're probably like, "Duh, hence the entry title!"), and it's by a now-defunct U.K. band called Catherine Wheel. "Black Metallic" was their only song that did well in the U.S. during that time in the early/mid '90s when alternative was really poppin' off. Believe it or not, for about a year or two starting in sixth grade, Nevermind and In Utero were in heavy rotation in my Discman and I wore skate shoes and jeans with holes in them, coupled with sleeveless tees and a different colored flannel shirt tied around my waist every day. True story. Anyway, back to the point; I heard the song at some point during that time of my life, and I loved it. So much so that from time to time I still wrestle with the idea that it could possibly surpass "There is a Light" as my all-time favorite song. And as cliché as it might sound, the lyrics are truly haunting...here they are.

I've never seen you when you're smilin'
It really gets under my skin
You say it's easy when it's faster
I still can't guess what you're after

It's the color of your skin
Your skin is black metallic
It's the color of your skin
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic

I think of you when you're sleepin'
Of all the secrets that you keep in
You can't stay all day under the covers
'Cause under there you'll discover

It's the color of your skin
Your skin is black metallic
It's the color of your skin
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
You're turnin' black metallic

It's the color of your skin
It's the color of your skin

Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
You're turnin' black metallic

It's the color of your skin
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic
Your skin is black metallic

Time's Price.

2009-11-02T07:11:00.002-05:00

Waayyyy back in the year A.D. 69, the Roman emperor Vitellus paid the chief priest of Gaul (whose responsibility it was to determine the beginning and end of Spring) a sum of money equivalent to a quarter of a billion dollars to extend Spring by one minute. He then proceeded to boast that he had purchased that which no other man could ─ time. Emperor Vitellus was a fool.

Temporary Permanence.

2009-09-12T03:36:00.000-04:00

This phrase may seem like an oxymoron, but believe me, it's not. I've been in love. One time. Ever. It proved to be temporary (or did it?). Sometimes people worry about things in their lives that aren't worth worrying about; we're on this planet for a limited-time-only. We human beings come and go like so many half-assed McRib "Farewell Tours." As such, some things that we think are über-important are actually fleeting whims. Likewise, some things that we casually dismiss stick with us much longer than we had anticipated. The next time you wake up wondering if you should have French Roast or Kona, and then find yourself driving to work mad cuz you picked one over the other, ask yourself if there might be something that matters just a miniscule iota more than what type of bean you brewed that morning. Ask yourself if there's anything you would regret not having done before you leave the Earth. Ponder that as that warm, mind-sharpening sip passes thru your lips...

Soft Scrub.

2009-06-19T01:49:00.000-04:00

So everyone knows I have a sneaker fetish, and anyone who's lived in an even slightly less-than-suburban environment knows that the ideal tool for cleaning sneakers is a toothbrush, combined with some sort of soap/water concoction. Getting to the point, I've recently been informed that I may not clean my bathroom as frequently as I should (it's probably true). However, when I do, Soft Scrub does the trick. Since it contains bleach, one day I decided to see what effect, if any, it would have on a pair of my white sneakers that had become a tad dingy. VOILA! Mixed with a little hot water, the Soft Scrub was as effective as it had been in the bathroom, even on the outsole! IMHO, Nike should go ahead and buy the formula/trademarks for Soft Scrub, package it with a Nike-branded toothbrush, and ship the kits out to Foot Lockers & Champs across the country. Using my very limited Photoshop skills, I've come up with a possible package design...if this EVER sees the light of day, remember that Nike stole my idea...you heard it here first!

Sleep Deprivation.

2009-06-13T02:27:00.001-04:00

It's 2:27 am. I'm awake. I have to be at work in the morning. You know that point after you've stayed up for so long that you get that unnatural, inhuman burst of energy from outta nowhere, and it gives you like an extra hour or two of awakeness? Yeah, I'm definitely not at that point yet. Time to hit the hay...and whether you're down with that or not, I got two words for ya...good night.

One Bill.

2009-06-09T12:49:00.001-04:00

If the title's confusing for anyone, it's slang for $100.00, as in a "Benji," a "Hundo," a "Hunski," etc....anyway, the point is, a hundred of my dollars that could have easily gone toward sneakers, Star Wars collectibles, or the like, is going toward something a hell of a lot more worthy: The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. When I was just a little Champ, there was a good friend of mine named Myron Jones. Throughout the first and second grade, he took periodic trips to the doctor, and being little kids, we didn't exactly know what the deal was. Soon, these trips to the doctor became progressively more frequent and longer, until one day Myron wasn't at school for a while. The teacher told us that he had had leukemia, and that he was in Heaven now. We planted a little baby tree for him in the schoolyard, and it's still there to this day, although I wish Myron was instead. That said, Nike & George Lucas can do without some of my hard-earned dough for a while! My absolute favorite friend is participating in her local iteration of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Light the Night Walk, so if anyone would like to lend some support, check out her page here.

"Thai Hot."

2009-05-28T01:50:00.000-04:00

So usually when I have Thai food, I either get Pad Thai or Lad Nah, but tonight I decided to eschew the noodles, and I had this delicious dish called Pad Prik...it was pork with pepper sauce and all kinds of vegetables...yummy! My problem is that they always seem to give you the option of "Mild," "Hot," or "Thai Hot." Well anyone who knows me knows that I'm always gonna inexplicably choose the hottest option possible. Not that it wasn't delicious, mind you. It's just that my G.I. tract is now "Thai Hot." Now that may be TMI, but this is my blog, about me. :P So if you're not down with that...

Rite Aid.

2009-05-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

I was in the kitchen hookin' up a bagel, and this Rite Aid commercial came on the radio...this is what they said (I'm just paraphrasing): "This Memorial Day weekend, Rite Aid has just two words for shoppers..." LOL! For the life of me, I can't remember the rest of the commercial, but I'm sure it wasn't those two words!

Star Trek!

2009-05-09T08:48:00.001-04:00

Ok, so if you know me, you know I'm a Star Wars nut...I mean I even wore a Han Solo t-shirt to the Star Trek flick last night just so any Trekkies in attendance would know that I wasn't there as one of them, rather the film had lured me there on its own merit. Well, Harrison Ford and I never really got to prove our point last night, but the film proved its point to me. J.J. Abrams knows how to do his job. LOST is, in my opinion, one of the best non-HBO shows ever made, and last night, Abrams showed me that he can do the same thing with a movie (about a franchise that I thought I hated). Every character was perfectly cast (Bones and Scotty were my fave), and they all had just enough to do so that it wasn't the Kirk & Spock Show. It was even neat to see Nimoy sportin' the pointy ears again. Furthermore, as enamored as I am with Natalie Portman, this new Star Trek beats the hell outta Episodes I, II & III...yeah, I said it...to some degree, Star Trek beats Star Wars...I'll just let you chew on that.

First Blog!

2009-05-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

So I've never had a blog before...I mean I've blogged, on like MySpace and Xanga wayyy back in the day (shouts to anyone who remembers Tha Pplz Xanga!), but nothing that was specifically just a blog. As per the name of my blog, I'm gonna try and see how long I can keep my entry titles to two words...and if you know me, you better know the origins of my blog title man, cuz if you're not down with that...